Some people have the simplest of dreams:
get married, have babies...
Don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong with that.
It's just not for me.
I have plans, big plans.
I don't know what the fuck your problem is.
Sorry.
But 12 people voted him guilty.
- On circumstantial evidence. - 12 people, Sofía.
12 people convicted a man solely on assumptions.
Is that just?
This is just one case.
We need to move on with the assignments.
How can I be in law school without a point of view?
Well, we need a consensus so we can move on, okay?
I don't agree.
You know, I can't stay here past 3:00 in the morning.
Some of us have a life.
Wonderful.
You're gonna be an excellent lawyer, Richard.
I speak Spanish, Sofía.
I've always wanted to study in America and become a lawyer.
Not just any lawyer, but someone important,
like Benjamin Cardozo, Clarence Darrow
and Gloria, Gloria Allred.
I have to stay focused.
I tell myself that all the time.
For God's sake.
Jeez, Monica.
This is my cousin, Monica.
When we were little girls growing up in Colombia,
people used to think we were twins.
To stay in America and follow her lifelong dream of becoming a pop star,
she married Harmless George.
Monica María, that's the last straw. You're driving me crazy, man.
- So what else is new? - Please.
I need it quiet. I need to study. You promised.
Are you listening?
This is Harmless George.
Monica told me if I came to America,
I, too, could find and marry my very own Harmless George.
No sex, no strings...
just a green ticket to a dream, she said.
Assholes are assholes, no excuses.
- Come see me tonight. - No, you know I have to study.
Stop studying.
- Okay, are you done with the music now? - Yes.
- Okay. - Hey.
Relax. Be like me for once.
Never, ever.
- You don't know what you're missing. - Thanks.
Jesse?
It's just a dream, Sofía.
This is my Harmless George.
Only his name isn't George.
And he certainly isn't harmless.
My green card husband, Jesse, is about to rob me
of everything I ever owned...
my furniture, my books, my dream.
And here is where my story begins.
No, I want the futon.
- Dude, she's sleeping on it, Jesse. - I don't... I want it.
- It'll wake her up. - I don't care, I want it.
Dude, it'll wake her up. She'll throw all of our asses in jail.
Did you see that look?
- What look? - She gave me a look.
She's obviously into me.
I didn't see shit.
He took everything, Monica... my books, my furniture.
All I have is my pillow.
He even took Gloria Allred, Monica. Gloria.
- Ah, the piece of shit. - So get it back. Call the cops.
I can't. I can't.
He'll file for divorce and I'll loose my green card,
because we haven't been married long enough,
and I'll have to quit school, and I'll be deported.
Oh, come on, honey, now they wouldn't deport you.
Yeah, don't they take you to an INS prison first?
Look, Sofía, you're stronger than this, okay?
You're the strongest girl I know.
Okay? Sofía. Sofía? Listen to me.
You're beautiful, you're smart. You'll figure this one out.
You always do. You always do.
Monica, Monica...
- I have no books. - Borrow from a friend.
- I have no computer. - You'll share mine.
- I have no bed, Monica. - You'll share mine.
Now you believe Jesse is an asshole?
I don't understand why he would do this.
- Why? - Because he's an asshole.
How many times do I have to say it?
Okay, go ahead, say it.
He is an asshole.
Just say...
- Shit. - She's right, Sofía.
But let it go. Fuck.
I feel better already.
Fuck. Even better. Come on.
- Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck... - Please, please, please, please...
Have a drink. Hey. Have a drink.
You two sound like dirty chickens. Please.
- A drink? - Get a drink.
- Ergo. - I have to go, I have to go.
- I have nothing to eat. - Call me. Everything will be okay.
- Excuse me. - Get the fuck off me.
Notice how she slipped in the word "fuck."
Yeah.
Another tequila, another sparkling water.
Why am I always the designated driver?
Because I'm a tormented artist.
Look at it this way,
if I wasn't drunk, you wouldn't have a shot at me.
Are you saying I have a shot at you?
Oh, George, you know I've always been attracted to intelligent men.
This is just in case you somehow miraculously manage
to utter something remotely intelligent.
Typically I'm a magnum man, but I can improvise.
$21.72.
- I'm sorry, it's rejecting. - Impossible.
Can you try again, please?
I pay in full every month.
Nope. Got another card?
ATM.
Says that you have no funds.
No, that's... it's impossible.
It's impossible. I have...
Thank you.
Jesse, come out.
I have a sh... a gun.
I bought one today.
Your son has my key and my doughnuts.
What?
Your son... stop.
You're eating my evidence.
Max.
Get out here.
Did you steal these from this lady?
She said I could have them.
Tell the truth.
- Just give me my key back. - I don't have the key anymore.
Sir, listen... I've had a very, very, very bad day.
I just want my key and my doughnuts, please.
- Give her the key. - I don't have the key anymore.
Max.
I threw it down the garbage chute.
Go to your room.
I'll deal with you later.
Done.
Here.
Okay, thank you very much.
Hello.
You're coming out.
From Colombia. Yeah. Never been to Europe.
I have just one more question:
The restaurant is packed, you're in the weeds. What do you do?
What do you do? What do you do?
I'm sorry, I don't understand.
What is this... weeds?
It's a restaurant term. You have too many tables, your hands are full,
you're in the weeds, you're in the weeds.
What do you do? What do you do?
That's a trick question.
I would never be in the weeds. I'm too good of a waitress.
- I am. - I don't know.
Uh, not the answer I was looking for... at all.
But I like it. When can you start?
I got the job? I got the job?
Yeah, I'm gonna have you train with María.
I'm gonna start you on the lunch shift.
Oh, no, no. I can't work lunch, only dinner.
I'm in school during the day. Unless weekends.
Oh, no, no, no. No, all we have is the lunch shift.
Thank you. Thanks.
Sal.
You never threw it down the garbage chute, did you?
Did too. Went and got it.
Where did all your stuff go?
I knew it. You've been in my place before.
What happened to your face?
Nothing. Got into a fight.
When?
In school.
Today's Saturday.
So?
So you didn't have a bruise yesterday,
so we both know it didn't happen in school.
I said, a kid from school. Happened this morning.
Charlie sucker-punched me
when I was sitting here, minding my own beeswax.
Well, have your mother put some ice on it.
And stay out of trouble.
Hello. Can't come to the phone. Leave a message.
Sofía.
What happened?
My car broke down and I'm in the middle of nowhere.
Okay, stay calm. Where are you?
Corner of Fifth and Patterson.
Okay. I'll be right there. Stay in your car.
Hurry. I think I saw a guy with a gun.
I'm out the door.
- Goody. - Monica María.
Not even close to being funny.
You would've never opened the door for me.
George and I are getting drunk, I'm buying.
- No, I can't. - You need this. Trust me.
Okay, but I'm not drinking.
Up, down, center, in.
How stupid it will look?
Sofía, I'm so sorry.
Why is my shirt all wet?
Just some saliva
came out of your mouth.
And my pants?
You may have peed a little.
It's a natural thing when you get knocked out.
You momentarily lost all control of your bodily fluids.
It happens all the time.
- See? Not a big thing. - Monica María,
in front of everybody?
Hey, nobody important saw.
Where's my car? My car?
George is following.
Does he even know how to drive a stick?
Of course.
Come on.
Damn it.
I know that's first.
Miss Garcí...
Ah, you.
I know you?
Last night, the tavern.
We... met briefly.
We did?
A short conversation.
- Did I say something rude? - Rude?
No, no. Let me think of what it is,
because it was actually quite clever. It was kind of like a haiku.
It was something like...
"Hey you, get the fuck off me."
I'm very sorry.
No, it's okay. I was just trying to let you know that you had
a three-foot trail of toilet paper hanging from your foot.
Listen, I thought you were hitting on me.
Oh, God, no. No, no, no, no.
I was just trying to help you.
I'm a doctor. That's what I do.
Please, forgive me. Okay?
- You're forgiven. - Okay.
So. You and your girlfriend bumped heads on the dance floor,
- is that right? - Yeah.
I haven't had a very good day.
Doesn't sound like it. Oh, there it is.
I'm sorry to hear that.
All right. Watch my pen, okay?
Like that, like that,
down and come back up.
Nice. Around, seeing if you're "The Exorcist."
Okay, fabulous. Now watch.
Look at me.
Looking at me. No, look forward.
Look at me. Is English your second language?
I'm just kidding. I'm teasing you.
All right, just keep looking at me.
Very nice, I'm gonna look in that ear.
That ear's fine.
Look in this ear, and... oh God.
I'm kidding, you're fine.
Everything's fine. You have a mild concussion
and a little bump on your head.
- What should I do? - Put some ice on it,
don't go to sleep for a couple hours
and for God's sake, fire your choreographer.
What?
Nothing. You're free to go.
Take two aspirin and call me.
Aren't you supposed to say call you in the morning?
Oh God, no. Don't call me in the morning.
I'm not a morning person. I get a little grumpy.
But anytime after that,
give me a call.
- Miss García. - Yes?
I lied before.
My intention was to hit on you.
Okay. So I was right to say "F... off."
- F... off? - F... off.
Yeah, but I was hitting on you in a nice way.
You seem like a nice person.
That's very sweet,
but things are a little crazy for me right now.
So...
But thank you.
It was very nice meeting you, Doctor.
Seriously.
- And thank you for checking my bump. - Not a problem.
Have dinner with me.
No.
We don't even have to sit at the same table.
We could just sit at separate tables, very innocent.
You know, just wave at me from across the room.
- Let me know you care. - No.
- I'm sorry. - Maybe just...
- a cup of coffee? - No, thank you very much.
Thank you. You actually make me smile.
- Seriously, thank... - Neil.
No, don't kneel. My name is Neil.
Okay. Goodbye.
Over there.
- Bye, Miss García. - Bye.
Don't forget about the aspirin.
- Was he cute? - Sort of.
- George, pull over. - He could be a maniac.
He looks harmless, pull over.
Hello. Hi.
Thank you so much for stopping.
The cell phone doesn't work here,
otherwise we would've called our mechanic.
Anyhoo, the bugger seems to have stalled.
Don't know much about cars myself,
but the wife thinks it should be pop-started.
That's Helen in the car there.
Darling, give these lovely people a quick wave.
I can assure you that wasn't intended for you.
Yes, she's in a bit of a hurry to get home.
Anyhoo, I think if you can get up to about 25 to 35 miles an hour,
we should be on our way.
- 25 to 35? - Uh huh.
Doesn't that seem a tad fast?
No, no, I think you'd need that kind of speed
to generate enough force to pop-start the gears.
- George. - Ay, George, please.
Thank you so much.
That's odd.
Why's that chap backing the car up?
- What's he doing? - Why's he backing up the car?
25 to 35.
All right.
- Stop. Stop. - Stop. Stop.
Bloody moron. He's gonna kill us.
You have gotta be the worst designated driver in history.
Screw you, Monica.
I did what the man asked me to do.
Excuse me, but I certainly did not ask you to ram us from behind.
Did you or did you not ask me to get the car up to 35 miles per hour?
Look, I don't mean to be rude, but is it my imagination,
or are you a total idiot?
We've tested him. He is an idiot.
Sir, you should be thanking me for stopping in the first place.
You didn't even wanna stop, George.
Sofía told you to.
Excuse me, ma'am, but I have a touch of asthma.
Don't you have an inhaler or something?
No, I don't have one.
Well how about a mask or a scarf?
- Darling, darling. - What an old bitch.
I'll pay you for everything, Sofía.
- How, George? - Somehow.
How, George? How are you gonna pay for it, huh?
Would you please shut your ass?
This is none of your business.
Don't tell me to shut my ass, asshole.
- Shut your ass. Shut your ass. - You stupid asshole...
Can you drop it?
I can't be offended 'cause I don't understand you.
- Of course, you... - All right, all right.
Nobody needs to shut anybody else's ass, all right?
Their own, anybody... whatever.
No more asses. Just behave, please.
What?
My insurance will cover this, sir.
Thank you.
Very nice young lady.
Sofía, your car is totaled.
And my rent is due,
so I'm sure they're gonna throw me out of the apartment.
No way. What are you gonna do?
I'm gonna drop out of law school and go back to Colombia.
No way, Sofía. Come on.
This is none of my business,
but do you actually want to drop out of law school
and go back to... Guatemala, or...
- Colombia. - Colombia.
What does it matter, anyway? It's down there somewhere.
Do you?
No.
So, just because of this fender-bender?
Seems a bit drastic, if you don't mind me saying so.
I've had a very, very bad day.
Honey, the bright side of this: it couldn't get any worse.
But how could my insurance be canceled?
Your husband canceled the policy yesterday.
I'm sorry. Thank you.
God.
Hello, I can't come to the phone. Leave a message. Bye.
Sofía? Frank Bauman here.
I have some rather troubling news.
I got in touch with your insurance company
and they told me you're not covered.
But I think I have a solution, so if you'd please ring me back
at 555-2341. Thanks.
You canceled my car insurance? Why?
Why are you doing this to me? Please tell me.
- Shit happens. - I'm gonna call the police.
Are you listening? I don't care what happens to me.
Not everything in life goes according to plan.
What?
I married you, Sofía, because we were friends
and I wanted to help, and I thought something special could come of it.
You married me to get laid.
What did you think I meant by something special?
I'm changing the locks, so don't bother breaking in again.
I already got everything I want.
Whose car is that?
What car?
That car.
- I don't see any car. - The same BMW
that I always dreamt of owning.
Whose car is that?
I don't see any car. Hey, Tony.
- Yeah? - You see anything out in the driveway?
Nope.
See, Sofía?
There's no car.
You set me up from the beginning, didn't you?
You son of a bitch, fucking asshole of the worst kind.
- I think you're losing it. - You fucking asshole.
Asshole.
Sofía.
Come here.
Come on. Come on.
Are you gonna cry?
I'm not gonna give you the satisfaction.
Thank you so much for coming.
- Would you like something to drink? - No, the water's fine.
Thank you.
I'm very sorry, very sorry about your car and the insurance,
but I want... no, I want you to know
- that I'll find a way to get it fixed. - We'll deal with that later.
However, I would like to ask you a couple of questions.
Is that okay?
Sure.
Your general health, is it good?
Yes.
Good.
How old are you?
23.
Have you ever been pregnant?
Do you have children?
No.
Are you partial to kangaroos or other marsupials?
Kangaroos...
I don't understand.
We need a girl with a fresh, young,
Betty-Crocker- oven-bake-type oven.
- Helen. - What?
You're both making me nervous here.
Look, I'm sorry, she's been under enormous strain recently.
Well, we both have, actually.
We recently had a fourth miscarriage.
Where's the waiter? I need another drink.
I'm sorry.
Well, the thing is...
- I guess what I'm trying to say... - Why don't you just tell her already?
I am... we are prepared
to offer you $50,000
to carry our baby.
His power sperm and my delicados huevos.
A surrogate.
A surrogate mother.
What are you thinking? What are your thoughts?
Hello, Sofía.
Hello.
Everything has gone smoothly.
Helen's egg has been fertilized with Frank's power sperm,
as they call it,
and now we're ready to place the embryo into your uterus.
Is it going to be painful?
The procedure itself won't be painful.
However, there will be some significant cramping
for a little while afterwards. That's perfectly normal.
Okay.
Just try and relax. I'll be back in a second.
All right, just do your best to relax.
Doing great.
This is gonna be cold
and it might pinch a little bit, okay?
But it won't hurt.
There it is. That's it.
Doing terrific.
All right, honey.
Hi.
I'm locked out and I have to go.
Your parents are not home?
Can I use your bathroom? I have to go bad.
Go.
There.
You got your stuff back.
Mm-hmm.
Just different stuff.
Is it good?
You like kids?
Depends on the kid.
I suppose if it's cute and charming.
Are we talking about you?
No, just kids.
What happened to your face this time, Max?
Got into a fight with Charlie.
Same kid that sneak-punched you?
Not sneak-punch,
sucker-punch.
You want that last cookie?
Yes, but you can have it.
Let's make a bet. Whoever wins gets the cookie.
Okay, fair enough.
What's the bet?
Whoever can make the most ugliest, disgusting face wins.
Okay, sounds like a great bet.
- Here we go. - You go first.
Okay.
Your turn.
Are you ready?
No, no, no. Let me prepare myself first.
Okay, I'm ready.
That's not an ugly face.
You win.
Thank you.
Okay.
Can I watch TV?
No. No, no, no. I have to study.
You can play either as Isildur,
Aragorn, Gimli,
or Legolas.
And you get to fight
in like 10 places.
And one of them, which is my favorite,
is the courtyard.
It's where, at the end of the level,
you have to fight trolls.
And if the trolls fall down...
Hi, ugly.
That's not a very nice thing to say
to the man who practically saved your life.
Who is this?
Who is this? How many superheroes do you have in your life?
It's Neil.
Dr. Gardner.
The hey-get-the-fuck-off-me guy?
The emergency room doctor.
- How are you? - I'm well. I'm well.
But you didn't follow your doctor's orders, though.
You were supposed to call me,
let me know how you were doing.
I'm fine, thank you.
- Good. Good. - How did you get my number?
I got it off your chart. You mad?
No.
Look, Sofía, I don't wanna take a lot of your time.
I understand you're a very busy woman,
so let me get right down to it.
Will you meet me for coffee tomorrow?
I'd love to, but I can't.
Is it my hideous looks?
No, I don't think you're ugly.
- So you think I'm cute? - I didn't say that.
Well, which is it, Sofía? Do you think I'm cute or do you think I'm ugly?
It's only fair to be honest with me.
Just so you know, I have a lie detector phone,
so anything you say, I'll be able to tell
whether you're telling me the truth or not.
- No you do not. - I absolutely do.
I'm gonna turn it on right now.
Okay, it's on. Did you hear that?
All right, I'm just gonna do a little test run.
Is your name Sofía, yes or no?
No.
Whoa, that was a lie. And now we know how it works.
- Are you ready for your next question? - Okay.
All right. Here we go.
Do you think I'm ugly?
No.
Do you think I'm cute?
No.
Are you sweating over there?
No.
Lie again, lie again. Next question.
When you first laid eyes on me,
even though you were very rude,
did you secretly wanna make monkey love with me?
- You are crazy. - A simple yes or no.
No.
Okay, okay, okay. I'll meet you. I'll meet you.
But only if you promise to keep that detector thing at home.
I promise.
The coffee shop, Westwood and Gayley, 4:00?
- Good night. - Good night.
Max?
I think your parents should be back home right now.
...the temperature dropping from 59° this afternoon.
Hi, I'm Sofía, your neighbor.
I know. Wendy.
Did you get my note?
Yeah. Oh...
- Brad, get the kid. - I'm busy.
Actually, he's sleeping on the floor right now.
Fine, I'll get him.
Thanks a lot for watching him.
We've just been so busy. Any trouble?
He had a scratch on his cheek.
Oh, well... fighting again.
I don't know what I'm gonna do with that boy.
Max, honey.
Come on, come on. Max, wake up.
Come on, time to go.
Sorry to put you out.
Good night, Max.
Get in your bed now.
- Excuse me... Wendy, you said? - Yeah.
This might not be any of my business,
but...
I find it a little peculiar that a mother doesn't seem
to show concern that her son is spending the night
at a stranger's apartment.
You're right. It is none of your business.
But if you must know,
I'm not his mother, I'm his foster mom.
Good night.
- Hello? - Sofía, it's Frank.
- How's the car running, darling? - Running terrific, thank you, Frank.
My pleasure.
You're not driving while you're talking to me on the phone, are you?
Mm-mmm, no, I'm not driving.
Good, good. But...
- anyhoo, how are you feeling? - I'm fine.
And the visit to the doctor went well?
Yes. Listen, I'm on my way to class. I have a test.
Listen...
I think Helen would rather like to come with you next time.
That's fine.
Oh, good girl.
Anyway, we'll chat soon, all right?
- Okay, bye. - Good.
Right.
So I had to put the microphone right in front of everyone.
Ice cream. How delicious. I want a chocolate one
in a little cone... and vanilla and everything on it. Ask him.
What flavor do you have?
What is it?
What's going on?
Hey, watch out.
- That's gross. - Sofía, you just puked.
And now you wanted to eat ice cream?
And I know Jesse didn't get you that furniture
and obviously you cannot afford the car.
So are you gonna tell me what's going on?
Where did you get the money?
Come here.
Do you remember Frank and his wife, Helen?
The snooty Jaguar people?
They made me a proposal that I couldn't refuse.
You had sex with a man for a million dollars?
- I'm pregnant. - What?
Why you?
I mean, besides the obvious Latina child-bearing hips,
- why you? - Monica, I don't know,
and I don't think I wanna know.
Aren't you concerned that Helen's a raving witch,
not to mention a chain-smoking drunk?
I can't think about that right now.
Sofía, women fall in love with the babies inside of them,
- I know that. - How would you know?
Hello?
Because of "Baby Mother, a Teenage Pregnancy,"
starring Tori Spelling.
Remember, she got pregnant from her math teacher, Alan Thicke,
and... well, the thing is,
even Tori eventually fell in love with the baby.
Where's our food?
This is not like marrying Jesse for a green card, Sofía.
You'll fall in love with the baby, just like Tori.
This is a business transaction, nothing more.
It's not even my egg. It's Helen's and Frank's baby.
As soon as I get attached to something, I fail.
I can't let that happen, period.
So how long have you been having morning sickness?
- Two weeks. - Any other symptoms?
- You horny? - No.
You're horny.
Maybe a little.
Okay, okay, okay.
A lot. Very horny. Monica, horny all the time.
Horny before morning sickness, horny after morning sickness,
and horny between. Horny, horny, horny, horny.
I've never seen you horny before.
I'm supposed to meet that doctor from the ER.
- I'm thinking of canceling. - Why?
He'll say a compliment, like "Hello, how are you?",
and I'm afraid I'll start humping his leg like a dog.
- Hi. - Hey.
Hi, you look beautiful.
This is my table. You have to sit at that table.
Wha... what?
I don't understand.
You made the rules. Doctor, you said we'll sit at different tables, so...
Go. That's your table. Yeah.
- So I did, so I did. - Mm-hmm.
Okay.
This is great.
How was your day? Your hair looks nice.
How's your rash? Is your rash...
Is that a... What? Huh?
Come on.
- Hi. - Hi.
You want coffee?
What?
You know what I really want?
What?
I just want to relax,
sit on a sofa and eat
lots and lots of pepperoni pizza.
I love relaxing, I have a sofa and coincidently,
I just quit being a vegetarian about 30 seconds ago,
so pepperoni pizza sounds perfect.
No sex, no seduction of any kind once we get into your apartment, okay?
Okay?
- Okay. - Good.
- I'm glad we're on the same page.
Yeah, me too.
Perfect.
Good.
Very good.
- Neil... - What? What, what, what?
On your knees. I want you to kneel.
Oh, kneel. Right.
Wait, wait, wait.
Something... the elevator stop.
Stop.
Well, we'll be fine until we run out of oxygen.
You know, in hindsight, I probably shouldn't have kicked it.
Nice underwear.
Hey, they have sentimental value.
- Your father's? - And his father's father.
And my great-great-grandmother, she was a big lady.
Yeah, these Fruit of the Looms go back many generations.
Are we stuck?
Yeah, one could say that.
It's hot in here. You want some pizza?
Yes, please.
¿Cómo se dice "pizza"?
Pizza.
- Oh, pizza, pizza. Okay. - Pizza.
I was raised by my grandmother. After she passed away a year ago,
I came to this country.
I'm sorry about your grandmother.
She was very old.
I think it's only a tragedy when people die young
or when they die unhappy, you know?
You have family?
Yeah. I have my mom.
Are you mama's boy?
You know,
I have some patients in this building.
If they could see you now, Dr. Gardner, look at you.
Yeah. That's why I think we'd better get dressed.
Okay.
Mrs. Goldfarb.
How's the hip?
Hello?
Yes, this is Sofía.
Hello. I have an appointment with your principal.
- Okay, would you mind taking a seat? - Yeah, thanks.
You must be Sofía. I'm Mr. Jones, Max's principal.
Nice to meet you.
I don't understand why I've been called.
The Petersons left you as an emergency number.
Young Max over here...
hit two children today.
He has a history of hitting Charlie Monroe.
Charlie? No.
That's because Charlie has a history of sneak-punching Max.
Sucker-punching.
I can assure you that Charlie never sucker-punched Max.
Yes?
Yes, Charlie, please sit out in the hall.
You didn't tell me she was a girl.
You hit a girl? Max, listen to me.
Never hit a girl.
Charlie has been provoking young Max by kissing him.
Now the other boy, Kenneth Iacavelli...
Kenneth says that Max punched him in the nose for no reason.
Why did you hit him? Max, listen to me. I'm late.
Just tell Mr. Jones so I can get to my class, okay?
You're not gonna wanna hear it.
- Just tell us. - Fine.
Kenny offered me five bucks to go through your panty drawer,
so I punched the dumb idiot.
Max, come with me.
Wait outside for a little while, okay?
Go sit down on the chair, and don't sit next to Charlie.
And sit quietly.
I find myself in an awkward position.
Max's foster parents are almost impossible to get in touch with.
Max seems to get a lot of bruises on his face.
- If it's not the kids... - Max.
Unless the child makes accusations, it's very difficult to intervene.
However, Max has been picked up by police
in his mother's old neighborhood.
She's a horrible mom. Alcoholic, gave the child vicious beatings.
And each time he seeks her out,
he ends up with more bruises. Max.
I'm very disappointed in you, Max.
First, you break into my apartment. Then you hit a girl.
You're not mad at me about hitting Kenny?
No. That one I can forgive.
He's a pervert, and he should be stopped.
But I don't want you hitting Charlie.
If she tries to kiss you, kiss her back.
No way.
Women don't like men that give in too easily.
Trust me.
She kisses you because she loves a challenge.
Why?
Because...
Because women are locas, that's why.
I thought she kisses me because I'm cute.
About you breaking into my place...
I'm gonna put a key in a very, very secret hiding place
so you will never find it.
So, even if you're bored and hungry
and have a strong desire to steal my doughnuts,
don't bother looking for the key...
which will be hidden under the ashtray outside my door.
I haven't felt the baby kick at all.
First-time mothers sometimes don't recognize the kicking sensation.
They don't even feel the first kick until the eighth month.
Okay, here's the heart.
Sorry, Doctor, but...
I don't know, it's beating very fast.
- It's normal? - Yes, that's perfectly normal.
Okay, now, you're sure you want to know the sex?
Oh, yes, absolutely.
Do you want we should wait for Mrs. Bauman?
No, she's unable to be here,
she's not feeling too good.
You are going to have...
a boy.
Congratulations.
Sofía, I don't get this stupid math.
I'm studying now, Max.
Fine, then can I play video games?
I see three bucks and five bucks and one buck.
How many bucks in all?
You know this one, three and five.
Three and five is seven, right?
- No. - Oh, yeah. Eight?
And one?
I bet that's your boyfriend.
Oh, it's you.
How rude. Come here you.
Frank Bauman, please? It's Sofía.
Hello, Sofía.
She never showed, Frank.
Yes, I know...
It's the second straight time.
Look, Sofía, just see the doctor.
Everything will be fine.
- You're falling in love with the baby. - No.
- Yes, you are.
- No. No, I'm not. - Yes, you are.
I'm handling this professionally.
I'm just concerned about its safety, that's all.
What are you gonna do?
There's nothing I can do.
- Have you told Neil? - No.
- Are you going to? - No.
What's wrong with you? You're gonna show.
I'll wear big clothes.
What, a tent? He's a doctor, I think he's gonna know.
I'll put off sex when I start to show.
I can't tell him. I can't.
It will be too much for him to understand right now.
But I'm moving, I'm past you... now.
No, no, we're not racing.
- What? - We're fighting.
Oh, oh. Then I'm not past you. I'm just getting... beat up.
Can you hear that?
Can I talk to you for a second?
- I need to say something. - Let's go outside. Okay.
A minus.
- Hey, that's great. - No, it's not great.
I had a 4.0 before you two men came into my life.
Okay, and your point being?
Instead of four times a week,
how about we see each other two times a week?
Oh. Five times a week.
Neil, seriously. You're going up.
I know, this is how it's done in America. We negotiate.
Two times a week.
- Three and a half. - Two and a half.
Done, okay? Sleeping in on Sundays does not count as a half.
Okay.
Oh, this is gonna sound crazy, but, uh,
I need to do something for my mother,
- and I need you to help. - What is it?
Well, she's losing her memory, so all she knows is what I tell her,
and I can pretty much tell her anything.
What do you want me to do?
Well, she's always had these dreams
of me getting married, having a family.
You want me to be your wife?
Just for a day.
Just for a day?
Okay. I can do that, yeah.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
Great.
- Hello. - Hey.
Hey, Dad.
You said your mother dreamt of you being married with a family? Okay.
Here's our family.
Mom. What's up? It's me, Neil.
Hello.
You remember? Sofía, my wife.
Wife? Oh, yes, of course.
- Nice to see you again. - Nice to see you.
- How are you? - Fine.
And... and you remember Max, your grandson?
Max...
Oh, she's beautiful.
- When is the baby due? - Oh Mom, Sofía's...
- April 23rd. ...not pregnant.
I can hardly wait.
- Sorry about that. - About what?
You know, my mom thinking you were pregnant. She's just...
- I've put on some weight. - No, not at all. You look great.
And thank you, Max.
Can we come back again?
We'll see.
He's out like a light.
When I was a little girl in Colombia,
my grandmother used to pat my forehead
until I fell asleep.
Worked every time, like hypnosis.
When I thought I was gonna pursue psychiatry,
I took a course in hypnosis.
I was such a dog.
- Why's that? - Well, I liked this girl in college,
so I hypnotized her,
and I told her that every time anyone said the word "anyway,"
she'd think of me and have an intense orgasm.
Did it work?
Yeah. It kind of backfired on me, though,
because she wound up dating a guy
who said "anyway" a lot.
This person I know, Frank,
says "anyhoo" all the time, it's funny.
"Anyhoo..."
- No, no, no. - I'm very suggestible.
- I know, but it'll be fun. - No, seriously.
No, you're gonna like this. It'll be fun.
- You ready? Okay. - Okay.
Okay, you ready? No, I'm serious.
No crossing of the eyes.
Look at my eyes.
Okay.
Any time Frank says the word "anyhoo,"
you will think of me and have an intense orgasm.
What?
Okay.
- Okay. - Okay?
- Okay. - Look at me.
Anyhoo...
Ah, it's working.
I hate to bring him back here.
It's not right.
He had a long day.
Thanks.
- It's not right. - I know.
What can I do?
Well, you could do a lot of things.
- You can call Social Services. - No.
If I call Social Services,
they'll take him away. He might go somewhere worse.
- Hey. - For the love of God,
- what are you doing here? - Is that any way to greet your husband?
- Who's this? - I'm Neil. Did you say husband?
- Nobody... - Oh, Sofía,
I've met someone else and I need you to sign these divorce papers.
You're married?
- Holy shit, who knocked you up? - She's not pregnant.
- Wait a second. - Shit. Are you the daddy, Champ?
It's true.
What?
I didn't want to tell you this way.
Wait. Wait, you really are pregnant?
- My kid? - No.
- This gets better and better. - Shut up.
I'm a surrogate.
Whoa, I don't remember seeing that on your goals charts.
- Get out. - I am not leaving this show.
Okay, wait a second. Hold on, you're her husband?
And you're a surrogate?
- No, no, leave it open. - No, no, no.
- Neil, please, please. - It's fine. It's fine.
- Sofía, really. Come on. - No, no.
Wait, Neil, please.
I'm getting remarried
and I need you to sign these papers.
Now look, if you sign them now,
you'll probably have enough time to kick the little one out
before INS finds you and deports you.
If you don't sign them,
I'm gonna have to make an anonymous call to the INS,
and they're probably gonna boot your ass
back to Colombia by tomorrow afternoon.
If you sign these now, I'll be out of your life forever.
They want me to stay with them for the last trimester.
You're going to?
No. I told him no.
Helen doesn't care.
- I think I want to keep... - Keep what?
Oh my God, Sofía. Keep the baby?
I don't think I can give him up to her.
Sofía, it's their baby, okay?
There are legal issues you are not gonna be able to handle.
- Then I'll go back to Colombia. - What about school?
Your plans, the chart, everything?
When my divorce goes through, I'll lose my green card.
What choice do I have? What choice do I have?
- What if you're wrong about Helen? - I'm not.
How many times have you met her?
Twice.
Twice?
Oh, come on. Live with them.
Hey, come back here, you little varmint.
Max, could you turn off the TV for a second?
I wanna talk to you.
I wanna ask you a question.
And I want you to answer me honestly, okay?
Okay.
Do your foster parents ever hit you?
No.
Then who?
I know it's not Charlie who gave you those bruises.
I fall a lot.
You haven't fallen in a while, I see.
Since I started hanging out with you,
I'm less klutzy, I guess.
Come here.
I really am pregnant.
- Neil's mother was right. - You are?
Mm-hmm.
And I have to go live with certain people
until the baby's born, okay?
Can I come with you?
No, but I'll come and visit you.
I promise.
How come nobody likes me?
No. Look at me.
Are you crazy?
Then how come you're leaving me here?
Look at me. I'm sorry.
I'll come and visit you first chance I get.
Max.
Sweetie, look at me. Look at me.
I need you to be strong.
Just because Wendy and Brad are jerks,
that doesn't mean you're not a terrific kid.
Because you are, okay?
You need to be strong.
You need to be the strongest kid on the face of the earth.
Tell me you'll do that.
Tell me.
Max.
Oh, I feel so sorry for you having to live here in this shithole.
Look at that.
Hello, hello, hello.
My darling Sofía.
- Hi. - How are you?
I'm fine. How are you?
- You remember Monica. - Hi.
Of course, yes.
Lovely top.
- Sleeves, but no sleeves. - I designed it.
Anyway, we're gonna have a big formal dinner tonight
to celebrate your arrival. Please ask anybody you like.
- Okay, thank you. - All right?
Frank, I have a big bag.
Of course. Let me. I'll get the bags, you go in.
Wait until Helen finds out your here.
She's gonna do cartwheels.
Off you go.
Tell her not to go to crazy with those cartwheels,
she might pull a hammy or something.
I'd like to make a toast, if I may.
My wife and I have had a tough couple of years,
and well, we're all family here
so most of you are aware of our troubles.
And I'd like to say that I...
I love my wife very dearly
and I think that I speak for both of us:
Thank you for making
my love Helen's and my dream finally come true.
To Sofía and the baby.
Uncle Frank, when's dinner?
She's not smoking.
She's not drinking.
And I haven't seen her smoke all night, even when we were outside.
Back in World War II,
our ship was hit by two Jap torpedoes.
We lost the vessel, sank in 10 minutes.
My mates and I were set adrift.
Some died within days.
Others wanted to die.
I had to breathe into a corpse for a floatation device.
By the fifth day at sea,
we were so hungry and thirsty
we decided to drink our own urine.
- What's your name? - Chaney.
Janie?
No, it's Chaney, it's with a "C-H."
Like Dick?
That's funny, 'cause I'm George,
like Bush.
I'd actually like to make another toast
to dear old George here.
To his unwittingly
bringing Sofía into our lives
by hurling her car at 35 miles an hour
down the side of the road and slamming it into ours,
nearly killing my dear wife and myself.
Thank you, George,
for your brilliantly obtuse act of misunderstanding.
I mean that in the nicest possible way.
To George.
To me.
How did you and Helen meet?
Good question.
Actually, you were working as a waitress in a cocktail bar
when I met you.
- Frank, we are not going to do that. - Here we go.
It's the occasion.
They do this every year.
We do this every year at our anniversary.
It's true.
I could get used to this place.
I know.
Do you think Frank ever looks at you with desire?
Ay, Monica María.
That guy is like... could be my father.
Oh, oh, Frank.
- Oh, don't stop. - Shut up, Monica.
- Monica, stop. - Oh, take that, you naughty girl.
Shut up.
I never feel him kick.
Hello.
Frank, what are you doing here?
Just wanted to say...
a personal thank you.
Okay. You're welcome.
Yes, yes. Right.
Good night.
Sofía, darling Sofía,
you've no idea how long it's been,
this clinical fertility business.
The closest I've come to any affection in the last two years
is a weekly trip to the special room,
where I have to wank into a small vial
using nothing but pornos starring people with names
like "Jizzy McGuire" and "Seymore Hooters."
Oh, darling,
- I'm just a sweet English schoolboy... - Frank.
- Please.
Oh my God. Oh my God, I'm so sorry.
Oh, Christ.
Please, forgive me. I've no idea what came...
Anyhoo, I will just be leaving.
Are you all right, darling?
- Please leave. - Anyhoo, I just...
Anyhoo, I just...
Anyhoo?
Anyhoo.
Anyhoo. Anyhoo.
Anyhoo.
Anyhoo...
Good morning.
Sleep well?
Yeah, okay.
You hungry?
It's Sunday. Rosa sleeps in,
but I can scramble you some eggs.
That's about the only thing I can make.
Scrambled eggs sounds fine.
- How many? - How many are you having?
One.
Okay, I'll have the same.
Two.
Okay, three.
Thank you.
I noticed you're not smoking.
No, I stopped the week before you got here.
I'm on the patch.
It works?
Well, I'm not smoking.
You have a beautiful house.
Thank you.
Would you like some orange juice?
Okay, thank you.
No, sit, I'll... I'll get it.
Thank you.
Do you want to sit down with me?
No. I'm in kind of a rush.
You can drop your plate in the sink,
and Rosa will take care of it for you.
Morning, Sofía.
- Good morning. - Rosa make that for you?
- Today's Sunday. - Oh, yeah, blast it.
She sleeps in.
I'll have to get together my own bloody concoction, I suppose.
You made that yourself, did you?
Helen.
Helen made that for you?
Yes.
My wife, Helen? Helen Bauman?
Yes. Yes.
Did you have pleasant dreams last night?
What, is there...
I've got sleep in my eyes.
No.
The old morning hair.
I hate her.
I get sick when I think my baby could be in her hands.
Yeah, but... pass me the water?
Is she nice? Ever?
Never. Never.
She's almost nice.
Then she stops herself.
I don't know.
Okay, but...
at least she wants to be nice.
That means there's still hope for her.
- No. - Where's my pretty cousin off to today?
I'm gonna stop in on Max. I haven't heard from him.
Thanks for lunch.
- Okay, bye. - Okay, bye.
Emergency.
Yes, hi. I'm looking for Dr. Gardner.
Dr. Gardner's out today.
Okay. Can you tell him that Sofía called?
Sofía. And your last name?
Excuse me, is that Sofía for Neil?
Yes.
- Sofía, hi. It's Paul, Neil's friend. - Yes?
Listen, I'm afraid I have some sad news about Neil's mother.
Neil. Neil.
Hey.
What are you doing here?
Paul told me you'd be here.
I'm sorry.
How's everything?
Fine.
You're glowing.
I know.
What?
I'm sorry. I'm sorry about everything.
You take care, Sofía.
Okay?
Perfect timing.
I've got a surprise for you. The workers have just finished.
Helen designed it, you know.
She did?
This was mine when I was...
Let me see.
Rupert.
Why did you choose me?
Well, you were in a desperate situation,
like the other girls we were considering,
but we didn't know who they were.
You didn't know me either.
Sofía...
we knew who you were the moment you pulled over.
Yes, my name is Jim Pierce. I'm with the INS.
I'm looking for a Sofía García,
formerly Sofía Thompson.
I'm told she resides here. Is she in?
Why?
We've had a rash of illegal marriages.
We recently arrested her ex-husband, Jesse Thompson,
who was about to enter into another illegal marriage.
He claims he married Sofía so she could primarily get her green card.
That's a federal offense.
Hi, Helen.
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to wake you.
No, no, no.
I know you don't think I'm the nicest person in the world...
and you probably don't think I'd make a great mother.
The first three times we got pregnant,
we lost our baby
within the first three months.
But the last time we got pregnant,
we reached six and a half months.
And so that baby died.
And...
I sort of died, too.
I haven't thanked you
for giving me my life back.
So thank you, Sofía.
Oh, I wonder if you'd mind working for my brother.
He's a lawyer. He needs a good paralegal.
It'll give you a chance to stay in school, get your visa,
and spend some time with the baby.
Oh my God.
He kicked.
- Hi. - Sofía.
Max?
Oh, you didn't hear?
Hear what?
10 days ago, he ran away to his real mother's again.
She put him in the hospital this time.
- How is he? - Just some bruises.
Where is he?
Social Services took him from us three days ago.
- No, no, no. Where is he now? - I don't know.
Come on, come on.
It's crowning.
Keep pushing.
- Push. - Push.
Sofía, this is it.
Push.
Very good. Doing great, good job.
Push, push, push.
Push.
That's it.
Here it comes.
Is he okay?
There you are.
- Hi. - Hi.
How are you holding up?
I'm fine. I'm fine.
Well, not fine.
But I will be.
And you?
I'm okay.
Good.
Well, I just wanted to see how you were holding up.
Dr. Gardner.
Yes, Miss García?
I was thinking of going to the cafeteria
to get some coffee. Would you like to join me?
Do we have to sit at separate tables?
Just wave to me so I know you care.
Well, the cafeteria's closed.
I should get going.
- Take care. - Okay.
Excuse me, miss? I think this call's for you.
Hello?
I just have one question, and I should warn you,
I'm on the lie detector phone, and it's ready to go.
I need to know...
are you just a little bit in love with me?
No.
Let's go, kiddo.
There you go. Come on.
You're gonna like this couple. They just got married
and they've got this great yard that you can play in.
Come on, Max. This is gonna be fun.
Oh, it's you.
Open the door.
Hello.